status : in a relationship..

i fight with him more than i fight with anyone else, (besides my mother)
i love him deeply.. HE and i have been together nearly 6years, sometimes i yell and scream about how he takes me for granted.. how he doesnt appreciate all the things i do for him.. i tell him to tell me how he feels about me, and he always simply says "i love you". to me, hearing it so often for 6years.. the words i love you no longer have the same effect. but i know he loves me, i can see it in his eyes, and in his hands when he touches mine, i know it when he rubs my back almost everynight.. he rubs it to soothe me and help me get to sleep. we fight, we argue, and we love deeply..
sometimes we can get so bad on this emotional rollercoaster, and others tell me i should leave him. but NEVER TAKE ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS NOBODY.. and never leave the one who you still love deeply.. if the feelings are still there, why break up? why leave the one you love? that doesnt make sense..

i will stay by his side, through whatever..
go up mountains, through storms, walk in deserts and forests to be where he is..

i found a photo (:

in this photo i was about 4 or 5 months pregnant with christian. i was REALLY small.. lol, i felt beautyful in this photo, i was showing off my pregnant stomach to a friend.. but i just logged on into my photobucket account and low and behold... pregnant cece!

onika maraj

soo one thing i absoutely love is.. music..
& im deff feeling nicki minaj..
the trini, african, and asian born queens, new york native
is deff making the music scene light up..

at first i blocked nicki minaj as just another rapper, gimmick, wackness?
i even pronounced her name as (nicki meena-jay) until HE corrected me, and said its minaj (mee-naj) haha! but i finally gave her a listen "beem me up scotty" a good mixtape.. then she like BLEW THE FUCK UP overnight.. i saw her on everything.. collarbarating with the likes of mariah carey, usher, lil wayne, and the sexiness of ROBIN THICKEEE.

but she's about to drop her new video .. 'massive attack'
cant wait to see how she performs solo..




still dont get that :barbie: stuff though.

a rainy day in the bronx..

i guess spring hit! because the rain in new york city is hitting hard.. i love the grey clouds, the smell of fresh fallen rain..

my favorite thing in nature is rain. the weather perfect for sleeping, or love making.. but for me today its the perfect time to reflect and analyze who i really want to be. i want to be more than just a mother, a lover, a friend, a daughter, a sister.. i want to be the woman whose confidence shine through whatever situation.. her strength can get through any situation. i want to be the woman who has ambition.. not shy... not scared. i want to be newer, brighter, stronger..

sometimes i feel myself being as greyscale as these rainy clouds.. i feel like im losing my "umph" my rainbow-color filled personality.. i feel that im taking life day 2 day with no happiness no excitement and no joy.. just like this humdrum rainy day.

but that will all change.


it always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun...

wtf happened to platonic friendships?!

do they exist?
are there even any heterosexual male and female friendships when they can talk about everything besides... the three letter word....?! where they dont fantasize about jumping the other's bones...if they havent already that is, if so point them out to me, they deserve a gold star!

i would like to be more, but i rather be platonic than not friends at all.

i wish i was a man..

..because most men, can leave their emotions behind when it comes to sex
most women when they sex they sex with their feelings and when its just sex they often get hurt

..because most men, dont share their feelings they hold it in.
they hide what their hearts are saying, women share their feelings leaving them vulnerable..

new york.

this city has giving me so much heartbreak, joy, tears, pain, and most importantly strength..
living in this city is enriching, enlightening and unique.
even the smell is unique..

a mixture of jamaican, chinese, spanish restaurants, fish markets, mcdonalds, and fruit stands... and you cant forget garbage.

the sounds of the city,
bus and taxi cabs, car horns, millions and millions of people talking and walking every single direction..

i live in the bronx,
no its not that bad, near yonkers near mt.vernon near the 2train, near every single thing that you can think of..
its not bad at all.. its actually nice, i never felt or heard about any violence occuring in my neighborhood..
everytime i tell someone i live in the bronx they respond with a terrified : oh no :
puhlease, the bronx is cool. and nyc is a defintely : dont start no shit wont be no shit : type of place

and i, cierra.. never starts no shit! haha



i wouldnt replace this experience at all
this is the place i gave birth to my son
this is the place i fell in love
this is the place i grew stronger in..
this is the place that brought me happiness.

this is a location, in another chapter of my book.


if i can make it here, then i can make it anywhere

whats so crazy about that???

so i was talking to a friend..
and she told me all about how she went out on a date..
and the guy was still into her, despite the fact that there was no sexually things happening on the date, knowing me.. im like thats a GOOD thing.. shes like its crazy

whats so crazy about that??

she told me how men these days want sex if theres no sex then they arent messing with you anymore but with this guy its the opposite..

WHICH IS A GOOOOD THING LOL
but she doesnt care for him... because hes corny..











but i think corny is a good thing too.
less swag. less bitches on your man's dick. :)

10 years

... and no more kids
so i opt to get a iud made the appointment, thinking itll be just 5 years and then ill remove it and HE and i can try again for another son..
but when i got to the doctor office,

she told me

that itll be 10 years then ill remove it

10 years..

i KNOW i can remove it anytime i want to, but 10 years ill be 31 and 10 years my son will be going on 11 and in 10 years.. i doubt ill want another child

HE doesnt want anymore children at all! I mean none zoop zip.. christian is enough.

but what about me i want more, kinda, im still confused but 10 years seem like i wont be having any. and why cant HE and i compromise.. just try for one more.. damn! i find myself changing my habits, dreams, and plans to fit him.. i always wanted a house 2kids and a dog, and HE doesnt even like pets...

but it doesnt matter, do it? because if WE dont learn to compromise and find a balance.. WE wont be together in 10 years

ciaoo, hello, hola..

im awake! EXCITED AND ANXIOUS..
i have a busy day ahead, im highly nervous..
and craving a bacon egg nd cheese sandwhich so seriously, from the local deli Castillos..

i dont have much to say today, my thoughts are rambling on.. cant think straight, not one bit..

green eyes green eyes green ..
eyes.

thats all that seems to roam through my brain, along with the normal "whats for dinner? the baby? laundry? and bills bills bills..."

im just sitting here on this cold and rainy day with christian next to me.. hes playing with his toes and watching the screen as mommy types .. its amazing how he admires every single little action, quickly wanting to learn more & more..
fascinated..
with..
EVERYTHING..

i love him, if i could define love.. i'll define it with my son's name
cause i love looking down at him while i type just to see his big huge brown eyes staring back at me..

anyhoos,
i have so much to say, maybe another day i can get those thoughts into words and form sentences for this blogg.. bare with me


xos

here we go ...

i SERIOUSLY need to get my heart in check, i think..
im having a real 'erykah badu next lifetime' 'eric roberson dealing' problem
how can you want someone else in your life when you belong to another man.. or woman?
is it normal to have feelings for someone other than the person u lay next to at night.. everyone say it is NORMAL but is it OK? if its normal you shouldn't feel GUILTY.. or.. ASHAMED.. but u still do it.. because YOU DON'T CARE, it feels TOO GOOD, to have someone else, to have something new.. because your relationship is getting COLD AND STALE.. finally you have someone that makes you hot again, makes you feel alive again, and most importantly makes u SMILE again...